I mean inside my body and out. Between hot flashes, heat waves, and fevers I feel like a human torch. It's too hot for clothes. Too hot for makeup. Too hot for the act of standing erect for more than 10 minutes. I am a fire sign gone out of control. I am my own bikram yoga studio. When people touch me for too long I whimper from their body heat. My current form of healing meditation is looking at pictures of glaciers on Pinterest. I haven't even attempted to wear mascara, lest it melt into my eyes causing some kind of secondary infection. I am a ball of aches, dizziness and never ending torturous heat.

If, as Joshua Graham said, I survive because the fire inside of me burns brighter than the fire around me, well I am doing gang busters. Now excuse me while I take an ice bath.

I've been subsisting on a steady diet of smart water, la croix, watermelon jerky, glutino crackers and Trader Joe's Japanese fried rice. It's the closest I can get to the "cooling" diet my acupuncturist recommended because all of my problems are heat based. Not the first time I've been called too hot, hopefully not the last.

Sorry for venting, I think my optimism melted in a puddle next to my bed.

Consider these pictures proof of life. I haven't washed my hair since Wednesday, but I do have an exceptional amount of happiness bling which as my longtime readers know I find incredibly palliative. What is it about the feel of cool, shiny things on my body that I find so healing? Is there some kind of clinical trial for this? Does it involve presents?

Regardless I will be swanning about in bed like Zsa Zsa Gabor for a few more days, dripping in bling to go with my inappropriate swimsuit pajamas and my ice packs.

Signet Ring | Bracelets | Sunglasses | Bathing Suit (on sale!)