I know it's been about a million years since I posted. I want to say that I am sorry, but I am not. As I often complain about in "patient interviews"-  the people who are not having terrible side effects, who are out there doing their thing, well, they are just not the ones getting on their soap boxes and filling the internet with their rants - they are out living their lives. So, the same can be said of me.

If living "my life" also means rafting down one of the most beautiful and secluded rivers in the US. With no internet or phone service (ha, so clearly, not my "normal life") Nevertheless, I have been living a life - albeit one that is dirtier, more rugged and adventurous than my life is usually.

Me, jumping off high things into freezing water. For fun... 
But now I am back, and while not super clean, at least cleaner than I was last week *oh shower, I have missed you* and about to start my next round of treatment. Yes, I am still in treatment. A treatment which is chemo-esque, or chemo light, but still treatment. However, that is not the point of this post so let me get back on track.

I was doing an internal video today for a really awesome company (internal - meaning sorry mama, you can't see it) and they were asking me these really amazing questions about my diagnosis and how I found information and how I felt about what I was finding. The answer to that is pretty simple, and universal. I felt scared. Stupid scared. I have never been so scared in my life.

I'm pretty sure that fear is the universal reaction to health + anything. Whether it's a good, normal change (puberty, pregnancy) or a bad, scary change (cancer, heart surgery) there is not a lot of health stuff that doesn't provoke a fear response. Fear is natural. But it's also paralyzing, stress-inducing, chemical pumping and not so great in prolonged doses. I know for me the best way to fight back against the fear, and regain some of the control that goes out the window when I got sick, was to have as much information as I possibly could at my disposal.

And this is where I bash my head against a recurring theme when I talk about illness and the internet - how much junk is out there. How hard it is to weigh through all the crazy, extreme cases, the people who take the time to build enormous, bitching forum streams, the "I cured myself with tea and goji berries", the press releases that tease at data without giving details... Like pretty much everything having to do with the internet right now, there's just too much. Every yahoo with a laptop and wifi has the power to post (yes, I also mean me) and with that comes the dilution of the valuable information you need to make empowered decisions.

I hope that someday I get to be famous, but just so that I can have the loudest voice saying "Don't be scared. It's never as bad in real life as your are imagining it is in your head right now. You can do this, and be beautiful while you do it. Sparkly things. Presents. So much love."


#hotsprings, my life is so hard (NOT)