I've been hesitating writing this post because it's so hard for me to think, let alone write, about it. I'm not sure I can capture what it feels like to learn that, at 29, all of my hair is going to fall out. Even writing about it now, I feel nauseated. I mean, it's my hair. I cut it off once before on purpose (true story: I was a gigantic, butterball tomboy and a late bloomer)

This is clearly not a good look for me. In fact, it is the look that reminds me of the most painful, awkward and humiliating time in my young life. My childhood best friend was blonde, gorgeous, friendly, nice to everyone and the unwitting princess of our middle school. Our friendship, and her devotion to me, put me in the eternal crosshairs of the mean boys (and girls) in our small middle school. I still cringe when I think about the boys who refused to play truth or dare if it meant they had to kiss me or the constant accusations that I wasn't actually a girl, but some kind of "shim".

Now, I face reverting to this, the most insecure and scarred version of my self images. And on top of that I will look SICK. I can't handle it. The lack of self esteem combined with pitying looks from strangers is more than I can bare.

Not to mention the fact that handsome boyfriend (long, long before tornado BC touched down and wrecked our awesome lives) would tell me over and over again how much he loved my long hair, and make me swear not to cut it. (Trust me, I am still recovering from the lasting scars from the above haircut, this was a VERY easy promise)

But of course, as they say, man makes plans and g-d laughs.

So I was going to lose my hair. Yes, I know, my LIFE is in danger. I get this. I am going to do everything I can to make sure I kill this stupid, unwanted thing that is growing inside my body.

But what about afterwards? It took me about 6 years to grow my hair back the last time. And that was when I was young and healthy and not about to pump toxic chemicals into my body for 18 weeks or so.

Did you know the number one concern of most women diagnosed with cancer is losing their hair? Did you know women with wigs/prosthetics have a higher rate of BC survival then women who go bald?

I believe both of these things. In fact, I feel them. I have nightmares about sitting alone, shiny bald head and no eyebrows or eyelashes, crying into Fenway's fur while everyone else is out having fun.

I may not be able to do anything about the immunosuppression, but I can damn sure do something about the hair.

So I started looking at wigs. Guess what? They cost thousands of dollars. Like, $3,000 - $4,000 each and if you are planning on using them for daily wear you need to buy TWO, because they wear out.

Also, once your hair starts growing back (and sometimes even before) they get itchy. In fact, most of the survivors I talked to ended up ditching their wigs anyways because they were so uncomfortable.

I'm not going to start lying to you guys now. I cried about this. Every night for a week. I would happily give up my breast, but my hair? How could I walk around, all day, for the next 3-4 years, looking like my worst, self conscious middle school version of myself? Every single time I looked in the mirror I would see something that cancer took from me. I love my hair, and now it was time to kiss my hair, and possibly my self esteem, goodbye.

But again I am lucky. So, unbelievable freaking lucky. And even though insurance wouldn't cover a wig, or hair prosthetics, my amazing friends would not let me go bald if bald is not what I wanted to be (and p.s. for those of you gorgeous girls running around bald, I am so proud and so jealous of you, but this choice was just not for me) and so they helped me with this amazing fundraiser for which I still struggle to find the words to express my gratitude.

P.S. I have made the decision to shave my head once I start chemo, rather than waiting for it to fall out all over (this sounds VERY traumatic) and donate it to an amazing organization Sheila introduced me to called Wigs for Kids. So, for those of you who so generously offered to donate your hair to me, if you still want to donate, please check them out! They only need 12 inches and their wigs are 100% free to the kids!